A life lived to it's fullest.

Well, my grandma died Friday morning. I'm upset, yes. But I'm glad she is gone because now she isn't suffering anymore. She had 3 heart attacks last week and two last weekend. They ran a test on her during the week to figure out what a mass was on her pancreas, but the results weren't due back until today...they were sure it was pancreatic cancer. I'm just happy that she didn't have to suffer with that any longer, she was in SO much pain. None of the family wanted to see her suffer with that along with more heart attacks. She was so weak...and frail. I went to see her Thursday night and she was in and out of sleeping. She kept putting her hand on my face saying "I love you so much! I'm so proud of who you have become." In my mind, I was thinking "I have been in and out of jobs my entire life and have 2 college degrees...both of which I am wasting because I have little to no self confidence to do either one! What is there to be proud of?" My grandpa I'm sure isn't far behind her. They have been married for 70 years and still so in love. He never left her side this week bless his heart. I hope if God decides to take him from us soon too, that it will be quick, painless and maybe in his sleep. He won't survive long without her. She was his entire reason for being. I hope to have a husband like him some day. He should be envied by every man.
Travis is doing his last day of drill today. He has been staying her off and on for the past two weeks. Maybe something in him is changing? I don't know. Yesterday, I left work a few hours early because it was slow and I couldn't stop thinking that I needed to be with my family right now. So I went to get the kids from summer school and daycare early. Got Jordan, then went to get Jaelynn and the director said "Uhm, her daddy picked her up before I got here this morning." I said "This morning? What?" He had told me that yesterday was "family day" at Richard's Gabour (sp?) for the military and he had to go. He wanted me to take the day off work and go with him, but with Dr's appointmenst and everything I had going this week, I didn't want to take the day off and miss the pay. So, she checked the sign in/out sheet and I signed her in at 8:10 and he signed her out at 9:25. She said he took her to the family day. I'm thinking "Great! I'm glad he did that but he could have atleast told me he was thinking about doing it!" Lol! He said they had a blast. They went swimming and played games and she got to work puzzles with his NCO which was a pretty big deal to her and to Travis too. She really had a good time. She is TAN too! Since he is Italian, she has it in her too...so instead of burning, she just tans! Wish I was like that! But now that I found out I have Lupus, I can't really be in the sun much.
I start my Chemo a week from today. I have to have my kidney stones blasted Wednesday and then I will start Chemo on Saturday. My grandma's funeral is Tuesday....what a busy week I have. If I don't write for a while, it's because of the Chemo...my Dr said it takes alot out of you. Well, that's it for now. Wish me luck!
Susan

Random thoughts.

Okay, so I haven't posted in like 2 months or something like that...sorry! I've been super busy. I work 9-6 every day and since the "new" Star came out, EVERYONE under the sun wants to place ads in it, so we have been extra slammed at work.
SO...what is going on with me? Well, I found out I have Lupus. It's actually called SLE which stands for Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Basically, an autoimmune disease. I have been pretty sick the past few weeks with what my Dr. thought was Mono. Come to find out, it wasn't...it was worse. Lupus. After she told me what it was, everything in me went numb. I couldn't hear her anymore...I couldn't speak, walk, see, feel, hear...NOTHING! I felt like I had just been handed the death sentence. I left her office in a daze. The only thing I wanted to do was find Travis and tell him. (don't ask why...I think I'm just glutton for punishment? More on this subject in a moment) I wanted him to yell at me and tell me to "stop crying and take it like an adult" something...anything to make me stop crying and feeling like tomorrow was my last day on earth. So, I drove to the Armory where he is doing his AT Training this week for the military. I walked in and asked if he was busy. The lady said "Nope...I can show you where he is. I think he's getting ready to go to lunch" Perfect! I can take him to lunch and tell him what is going on. We find him and I tell him I had been to the Dr and needed to talk to him. I asked him if he could leave for lunch. The next thing I remember is sitting down with him at Las Chili's and said "Travis...I'm sick" He said "I know that. You haven't felt good in a long time! Why are you making it an issue now?" I said "No, Trav...I mean SICK sick. Like REALLY sick" He said "Well, what's the matter?" I proceeded to tell him everything I could remember from my Dr visit and he just looked at me with this blank look on his face. (No, he still isn't back with us living at home yet...we are together, but working on our relationship which now has to take a back seat becuase the stress is too much on my body according to my Dr!) He said "So, what kind of medicine did they give you?" I said "Just a few pills to take everyday. But, my Dr told me to "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst", which brings me to my next point. If you re-enlist next year, what will that do to Jaelynn if (God forbid!) something should happen to me either before or during your deployment if you go overseas?" He said "Well, that's easy...my mom doesn't work so she would live there with her and Drew!" I'm thinking "HELLO?! Shit head! She hardly knows your mother! What in the blue hell makes you think I would be okay with her living there!" I said "Hey...Donny Doe Doe! She sees your mom like what every 6-7 months? She sees my mom and dad every damn day! Besides, Jordan will go with my mom and dad and it's only right to keep them together! They will need each other when I'm gone and you're deployed!" He didn't really have much to say about it after that...other then the fact that if they DO decide to have me do Chemo treatments to put the Lupus in remission, that he would still not be coming home to help me with the kids or to help take care of me! Gosh, what a MAN!
I'm getting sleepy, so I am going to wrap this up now....but not before I tell you about the stress I mentioned earlier. I found out from a friend of mine who's husband was deployed with Travis' unit to Fort Sill, Oklahoma 3 years ago that he had a girlfriend (also in their unit!) who left the deployment early because she was PREGNANT! Yep! That's right folks! PREGNANT! I did confront her and she said there is a possibility that the baby is Trav's, but she was also MARRIED and it could also be her husbands. She is now deployed overseas (thank you God!), but she has already said that she wants nothing from Travis and isn't pursuing a DNA test to confirm whether or not he is the babys father (again! thank you God!). So, when I confronted Travis with the information I had, he (of course) said that it "only happened once and it was in a drunken moment"! Still no excuse. So, I told him "I can forgive, but you have to lay all the cards out and tell me how many times this has happened besides just with her!" He said "I had 2 one night stands and that was it!" Which brings me to the reason for the Dr's visit...I wanted to know if he had given me a gift and once again! Thank you God....he hadn't! So...I am off to bed. More later when I know more from a specialist and after a second opinion.

Susan