Random thoughts 2

I have a really busy rest of the year! I have my aunt and uncle coming in town Labor Day from Oklahoma. Another aunt and uncle coming in the next weekend from California. My other 2 aunts and their husbands and my other uncle from California coming in for Thanksgiving to suprise my parents for their wedding anniversary! Not to mention, football every Saturday except this coming up Saturday. Jaelynn's dance recital again Labor Day weekend at Santi-Cali-Gon! I just don't know how I'm going to be able to rest! I'm also taking classes for Criminal Investigations...oh, and then there's WORK! I'm so exhausted right now it's not even funny! I know this is a short post, but I'm going to bed...it's 12:48am and Jaelynn JUST now fell asleep! Good Night!

A day in the life of...ME!

So, it's been forever since I wrote. They changed my pills to stronger Chemo pills and if this doesn't work...it's IV Therapy for me! Well, hopefully these work! I couldn't keep my job because of being so tired all the time...I wasn't any good to them because there were mornings I couldn't even get out of bed! These pills make me hurt all over so bad! I am still employed there, I will just have to fill another position when I am ready to go back to work. So, until then, this is my day...I get up in the morning at 6:45, take a shower, get Jaelynn to school by 7:30, go home, sleep all day until Jordans bus comes at 3:30, get up, go get Jaelynn, fix dinner for the kids, leave for football practice at 4:45, get home at 8:30, baths, snacks and bedtime...man, I'm exhausted! Travis still not here to help...given up on that promise long ago. He just makes me SO damn angry! His Aunt was on the exact same pills I'm on before she died of cancer, and he was up HER ass 24/7! I have his daughter, and can't even get a break! She is up until late at night and I have to have her at school by 7:30 every morning! If she goes to bed early, she is up in the middle of the night! I have had to go as far as to close her bedroom door when she DOES finally fall asleep and put pop cans tied to a string on her door knob, just so I can hear her get up in the middle of the night! Otherwize, she is roaming the house and I don't know about it! (Have caught her doing this twice now!) Travis told me to "move home with my parents" HA! Like THAT would solve anything! First of all there is NO room for me and my two kids there...and secondly, I'm 33 and need to stop depending on other people! 95% of whom aren't even dependable! Like HIM! Oh well, I'm off my soap box for the night...just checked on Jaelynn and she's FINALLY asleep! So, off to bed I go! Good night!

A life lived to it's fullest.

Well, my grandma died Friday morning. I'm upset, yes. But I'm glad she is gone because now she isn't suffering anymore. She had 3 heart attacks last week and two last weekend. They ran a test on her during the week to figure out what a mass was on her pancreas, but the results weren't due back until today...they were sure it was pancreatic cancer. I'm just happy that she didn't have to suffer with that any longer, she was in SO much pain. None of the family wanted to see her suffer with that along with more heart attacks. She was so weak...and frail. I went to see her Thursday night and she was in and out of sleeping. She kept putting her hand on my face saying "I love you so much! I'm so proud of who you have become." In my mind, I was thinking "I have been in and out of jobs my entire life and have 2 college degrees...both of which I am wasting because I have little to no self confidence to do either one! What is there to be proud of?" My grandpa I'm sure isn't far behind her. They have been married for 70 years and still so in love. He never left her side this week bless his heart. I hope if God decides to take him from us soon too, that it will be quick, painless and maybe in his sleep. He won't survive long without her. She was his entire reason for being. I hope to have a husband like him some day. He should be envied by every man.
Travis is doing his last day of drill today. He has been staying her off and on for the past two weeks. Maybe something in him is changing? I don't know. Yesterday, I left work a few hours early because it was slow and I couldn't stop thinking that I needed to be with my family right now. So I went to get the kids from summer school and daycare early. Got Jordan, then went to get Jaelynn and the director said "Uhm, her daddy picked her up before I got here this morning." I said "This morning? What?" He had told me that yesterday was "family day" at Richard's Gabour (sp?) for the military and he had to go. He wanted me to take the day off work and go with him, but with Dr's appointmenst and everything I had going this week, I didn't want to take the day off and miss the pay. So, she checked the sign in/out sheet and I signed her in at 8:10 and he signed her out at 9:25. She said he took her to the family day. I'm thinking "Great! I'm glad he did that but he could have atleast told me he was thinking about doing it!" Lol! He said they had a blast. They went swimming and played games and she got to work puzzles with his NCO which was a pretty big deal to her and to Travis too. She really had a good time. She is TAN too! Since he is Italian, she has it in her too...so instead of burning, she just tans! Wish I was like that! But now that I found out I have Lupus, I can't really be in the sun much.
I start my Chemo a week from today. I have to have my kidney stones blasted Wednesday and then I will start Chemo on Saturday. My grandma's funeral is Tuesday....what a busy week I have. If I don't write for a while, it's because of the Chemo...my Dr said it takes alot out of you. Well, that's it for now. Wish me luck!
Susan

Random thoughts.

Okay, so I haven't posted in like 2 months or something like that...sorry! I've been super busy. I work 9-6 every day and since the "new" Star came out, EVERYONE under the sun wants to place ads in it, so we have been extra slammed at work.
SO...what is going on with me? Well, I found out I have Lupus. It's actually called SLE which stands for Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Basically, an autoimmune disease. I have been pretty sick the past few weeks with what my Dr. thought was Mono. Come to find out, it wasn't...it was worse. Lupus. After she told me what it was, everything in me went numb. I couldn't hear her anymore...I couldn't speak, walk, see, feel, hear...NOTHING! I felt like I had just been handed the death sentence. I left her office in a daze. The only thing I wanted to do was find Travis and tell him. (don't ask why...I think I'm just glutton for punishment? More on this subject in a moment) I wanted him to yell at me and tell me to "stop crying and take it like an adult" something...anything to make me stop crying and feeling like tomorrow was my last day on earth. So, I drove to the Armory where he is doing his AT Training this week for the military. I walked in and asked if he was busy. The lady said "Nope...I can show you where he is. I think he's getting ready to go to lunch" Perfect! I can take him to lunch and tell him what is going on. We find him and I tell him I had been to the Dr and needed to talk to him. I asked him if he could leave for lunch. The next thing I remember is sitting down with him at Las Chili's and said "Travis...I'm sick" He said "I know that. You haven't felt good in a long time! Why are you making it an issue now?" I said "No, Trav...I mean SICK sick. Like REALLY sick" He said "Well, what's the matter?" I proceeded to tell him everything I could remember from my Dr visit and he just looked at me with this blank look on his face. (No, he still isn't back with us living at home yet...we are together, but working on our relationship which now has to take a back seat becuase the stress is too much on my body according to my Dr!) He said "So, what kind of medicine did they give you?" I said "Just a few pills to take everyday. But, my Dr told me to "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst", which brings me to my next point. If you re-enlist next year, what will that do to Jaelynn if (God forbid!) something should happen to me either before or during your deployment if you go overseas?" He said "Well, that's easy...my mom doesn't work so she would live there with her and Drew!" I'm thinking "HELLO?! Shit head! She hardly knows your mother! What in the blue hell makes you think I would be okay with her living there!" I said "Hey...Donny Doe Doe! She sees your mom like what every 6-7 months? She sees my mom and dad every damn day! Besides, Jordan will go with my mom and dad and it's only right to keep them together! They will need each other when I'm gone and you're deployed!" He didn't really have much to say about it after that...other then the fact that if they DO decide to have me do Chemo treatments to put the Lupus in remission, that he would still not be coming home to help me with the kids or to help take care of me! Gosh, what a MAN!
I'm getting sleepy, so I am going to wrap this up now....but not before I tell you about the stress I mentioned earlier. I found out from a friend of mine who's husband was deployed with Travis' unit to Fort Sill, Oklahoma 3 years ago that he had a girlfriend (also in their unit!) who left the deployment early because she was PREGNANT! Yep! That's right folks! PREGNANT! I did confront her and she said there is a possibility that the baby is Trav's, but she was also MARRIED and it could also be her husbands. She is now deployed overseas (thank you God!), but she has already said that she wants nothing from Travis and isn't pursuing a DNA test to confirm whether or not he is the babys father (again! thank you God!). So, when I confronted Travis with the information I had, he (of course) said that it "only happened once and it was in a drunken moment"! Still no excuse. So, I told him "I can forgive, but you have to lay all the cards out and tell me how many times this has happened besides just with her!" He said "I had 2 one night stands and that was it!" Which brings me to the reason for the Dr's visit...I wanted to know if he had given me a gift and once again! Thank you God....he hadn't! So...I am off to bed. More later when I know more from a specialist and after a second opinion.

Susan

Okay, so it's been forever since I posted anything. I have been dealing with both the kids being sick. Jordan started about a week and a half ago. He felt sick, so he took his temp and it was 102.8! I was shocked because he really didn't say anything to me about feeling bad. So, I waited it out...nothing happened except his temp kept going up and up and up! I would BARELY get it down (never went back to 98.6, but close) and it would shoot right back up...most times even higher then before! So, I took him to the doctor and they said it was just a "virous" and there really wasn't anything they could do for him except let it "run it's course". I did. Mind you...this all started on Wednesday evening. By Saturday, his temp was almost 106!!!!!! My nephews birthday party was that afternoon and Jordan INSISTED that he was going, so I figured "Why fight with him, just let him go!", so we went. Well, he spent the entire afternoon in my sisters bed huddled up under 8 heavy blankets shivering and shaking...but still refusing to let me take him to the ER or even call his Dr. Well, my sisters husband has an Aunt (who thank God was ALSO at the party!) that is a pediatric RN! I was SO happy! She looked at Jordan's throat (I had also looked at it and never saw anything but it was kind of red...he has asthma and allergies, so it's normal that it was red). She said she could tell by just looking at his throat that it was Strep! She showed me and we could barely see the white spots, but they were definitely there! She told me if I wanted her to, she could call in an antibiotic for him and that way he wouldn't have to GO anywhere but home and back into bed. So, she called in some Amoxicillan and we were out the door on the way to the pharmacy! He was still sick for another 2-3 days with the fever, but eventually the Rx took hold and he was back to his old self...begging to go fishing!
Then, last Thursday, Jaelynn felt a little warm when I picked her up from daycare. I took her home and took her temp. It was 100.9! I'm thinking "I just got one of you well, now here we go again!" Well, I gave her some Tylenol and she was better within an hour or so. That night, she woke me up coughing her head off...sounding like a barking seal! I layed in my bed and sighed..."Great! Croup! Just what we needed!" So, I kept her home Friday from daycare and took her to the Dr. They agreed that it was croup and again, there was nothing they could do for her but let it run its course. It would get worse before it got better they said. Well, it did just that! Saturday night, she came into my bedroom around 2am saying that she was freezing. I felt her and she was on FIRE! I turned the bedroom light on to go and get the thermometer out of the closet and when I came back into the room, she was on my bed and was delirious. She was talking to (and trying to reach out and touch) flowers that weren't really there. When I looked at her, she looked like a little lobster. She was RED from head to toe. She couldn't really breathe through her nose, so the highest I could get the thermometer to (because of her breathing through her mouth) was 102.1. But, like Jordan's, I knew it was higher! I called the Dr and they told me to put her in a lukewarm bath and give her Motrin. I did and she finally fell back asleep at 6am yesterday morning and was back up by 9am! But, she was fine all day temp wise...she has a nasty cough and runny nose, but thank GOD no more temp!!!!!!!!

Someone with experience...PLEASE HELP ME OUT!

I have a game that I play on the computer called "The Sims 2". I love this game but I'm having some trouble. I downloaded a bunch of objects to use under my "buy" mode, and did it just like the sites told me to. I had to use "WinZip" to unzip them because they were compressed files, but when I turned the game on, not all of the objects are there! I'm getting really frustrated, but I want these objects because alot of them, I have paid to the site to get! If you know anything about any of this, PLEASE explain it to me (in DUMMY terms so that it's easier for me to do!)!!!!! You can either leave me a comment here or email it to me at bbygrlssn1989@yahoo.com Thanks a million!
Susan.

HIM part 2

Anyways...so, after we argued all day long, I finally just told him that I DO give a shit about my kids and I wasn't going to let him or anyone else tell me that I don't! He's forever trying to tell me that he never says mean shit to me...well, what was that? And not to mention the fact that he is forever calling me a bitch...but I suppose in HIS warped mind, that's being nice?! Oh well...I got Jaelynn better...to an extent. She is feeling better, but she says her ear is still hurting. I think once she is on the Amox. for a few more days she will start to feel better. I was going to keep her home from school today, but she woke up wanting to go, so I let her. She wasn't running a temp anymore, so I figured it was okay.
I just can't believe that he would actually tell me that leaving his moms house to take us to the ER was a "hassle"! I guess I should just stop "hassling" him and take his ass to court for child support? Maybe then it won't be considered a "hassle".
I don't know what to do anymore...he got fired and then got his job back...so I haven't seen any money from him in over a month. I guess in the back of my mind, I'm trying to keep things on a civil level...don't know how much longer THAT will be possible?! But, I'm trying and that's all that matters!
More later!
Susan

HIM!

I have had a HELL of a weekend! Funny thing is...I couldn't wait for it to get here and when it finally did...I was SO ready for it to be overwith!
Jaelynn spent the night with my sister Friday and Jordan was with his friends Connor and Chandler. Jaelynn came home Saturday and fell right asleep and slept for almost 3 1/2 hours! That isn't like her and I thought maybe she had just stayed up late the night before. HA! Not the case. When she woke up around 6pm and was running a temperature. It wasn't really high, but I could tell she wasn't herself! When she turned down PB&J and macaroni and cheese, I knew something was wrong with her! When I asked her, she said she had an earache! This is a child who had 17 ear infections before she hit the age of 1 year, so I new it wasn't anything to mess around about. The brakes are going out on my truck, so I called HIM to take us to the ER. He said "It would be too much of a hassle for me to come all the way there and do all that running...besides, I'm having dinner with my mom so I can't! Sorry!" I WAS LIVID!!!!!!!!!!! So, I called my mom and she took us. Sure enough, another ear infection!So, Sunday...he calls to see how it went. I said "You should have gone...now it's none of your business!" There's more to this...but the jist of it is...I got told that I don't give a shit about Jaelynn because I am pumping her full of antibiotics! WHAT THE FUCK EVER!!!!!!! Sorry, but I don't like seeing my kids in pain or sick! I'm a mother...what does he expect? Well, Jordan called and needs a ride, so I will try to finish later tonight after gymnastics class! FUN FUN FUN!
Susan.

OOOOOHHHHH I HATE HIM SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO POP HIS F**KING HEAD OFF HIS BODY AND STOMP ALL OVER IT!
Here's the situation...my daughter's "dad", Travis. Long story, but I will do what I can so you can get the general idea. We met, started dating, he moved in, I got pregnant, we had our daughter, she is now 4, and he has ALWAYS been just a "part-time" dad. I have a son who is 12 from a previous relationship...he treated him allright considering he was a first time dad. He's only 26...I know, I know...that's what I get for dating someone younger than me...but hey, you live and learn. When my daughter was a baby, he was gone every single night. His cousin lived right up the street from us, so he was always there hanging out, playing video/computer games, and getting high. Fine, whatever! Then, when I try to mention it to him that he needs to spend more time at home with me and the kids...he blows up and I become a bitch in his eyes! Fine, whatever there too! I know I'm a bitch! BUT...if you can't tell my I'm the best bitch you've ever met.....then DON'T CALL ME A BITCH! Ladies...am I right? Thank you! Anyways, after 7 years of putting up with his never wanting to help out around the house (cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc), and never having a steady job the entire 7 years we were together, I had enough. I told him he needed to get his shit together and stop waisting his life away. He went into the Army to "better our lives" but the only life he bettered was his own! All I got out of it was a heartache when he fucked around on me during his deployment to Fort Sill, Oklahoma and Fort Riley, Kansas! I know...I should have just left his ass then, but I stayed for the sake of my kids. So, January 1st of this year...after staying out all night for New Years, he informs me that he needs to "find himself before our relationship can go any further" he said "because the way things are going, we are at a stand still"!? WHAT THE F**K KIND OF HORSE SH*T IS THAT? WE HAVE A DAUGHTER TOGETHER AND YOU WANT TO WALK OUT NOW???????? HELLO????????? Okay, fine...move out...whatever makes you more of a man because obviously, your'e not becoming one living here with your "family". So, he moved in with his cousin (that used to live up the street from us) in Raytown. Not a big deal, he was still seeing Jaelynn (our daughter) every day almost because he was working here in Independence and he would just pick her up from school everyday and bring her home or take her to my mom if I was working late. Well, when he moved, we had a 3 bdrm townhouse...I didn't want to stay there if it was just me and the kids, so I downsized so I could afford it...now we have a small apartment. The Monday after he helped me move, he got fired from his job because he said he "set his alarm for PM instead of AM". Okay, well no big deal...find another job! His cousin that he lives with still works at that company and he carts his ass back and forth to work everyday...so instead of driving all the way back to Raytown, he comes here since it's just 5 min. away. I figured, okay...helps me out in the mornings, I don't have to get the kids off to school...he's here and can do it after I leave for work! Sounded good at first. Now, everyday, I come home from work to him on my couch or in MY bed sleeping or playing Jordan's (my 12 yr old son) X Box and eating my food! Well, tonight, I asked him if he could wash up the two pans he used for his lunch and I would make us some dinner. He had the BALLS to say "Sorry, I still don't do dishes!" Motherf**ker, if you EAT here, you WILL do the dishes! I'm NOT your mother and I won't clean up after your ass anymore! I did it for 7 LONG years and I'll be damned if I'm going to do it and you're not living here anymore! F**K THAT SH*T!!!!!!!!!
Well, I'm done ranting...there's more to the story, but I'm too pissed and my hands are now cramping because I'm typing so fast! LOL!More tomorrow!Susan.